Christians and Domestic Violence
October 26, 2009 by Lillie
Table of contents for Domestic Violence Awareness
When Bluestocking interviewed me on her podcast during my blog book tour, she raised an interesting question. She asked how I would respond to someone who blames domestic violence on Christianity. She explained this issue came up in a law school class on domestic violence, and she had been surprised at how many people said Christianity caused domestic violence.
People who are hostile to Christianity will use any excuse to blame Christian faith and practice for anything and everything. Unfortunately, there are people who claim to be Christians who give ammunition to the critics. In Dream or Destiny, David’s father claimed he had the moral right as the head of the Christian family to discipline his wife and children using violence. David turned against religion until he left home and came in contact with true believers and realized that his father’s words and actions were the opposite of the teachings of Christ. The abuser’s excuse was just that—an excuse, not a justification.
St. Paul’s words in Colossians 3 and Ephesians 5 are often misinterpreted to mean that the husband should completely control the wife.
Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. ~ Colossians 3:18, NIV
However, the rest of the passage is frequently ignored by those hostile to Christian faith and by those using the Bible as an excuse for abuse.
Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. ~ Colossians 3:19-21, NIV
The word submit does not mean subject yourself to abuse. Submit means to yield to the authority of someone else or to defer to another’s judgement. In any organization—a business, a club, a government, a family—the buck has to stop somewhere. Someone has to make decisions.
The owner of a business will probably surround himself with talented people he trusts. He will solicit and consider their advice. He will probably authorize them to make many decisions independently. However, the business owner retains the authority to make the final decision on major issues. He has the responsibility of the success of the company, but he values his employees and heeds their opinions.
In the same way, a Christian husband will discuss decisions with his wife. If they don’t agree, she can try to persuade him to her way of thinking. A good husband will listen to his wife and give serious consideration to her ideas. However, if they continue to disagree and a decision has to be made, the husband’s vote is the tie-breaker.
A Christian husband who is sincerely striving to follow God’s will shows respect for his wife and prays about his decisions. He will never abuse his wife or children. Rather, he will do everything in his power to love, nurture, and protect them.
Unfortunately, many churches fail to recognize domestic violence in their congregations. The book Woman Submit! Christians & Domestic Violence
During Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I am trying to do my part to raise awareness of this serious problem everywhere it exists, including the church.
I am donating $5 to the National Domestic Violence Hotline for every copy of Dream or Destiny sold during the month of October.
I will also give every purchaser a free e-book of Fern’s Fancies as a thank-you for supporting my efforts to raise money to fight domestic violence.
You can order Dream or Destiny from the publisher, Amazon.com, or directly from me. If you order directly from me, I will make the donation and send your e-book from the information on the order. If you order from the publisher or Amazon.com, please complete the form below so I can send you the e-book and make the donation.
Note: request form removed 11/1/09 as promotion is over.
It is interesting that you posted this. A family friend is divorcing her husband because of DV. The pastors have become part of the problem. They are putting her on church discipline.
Bluestocking,
That is tragic. Just when she needs the support and love of the church, she is being abandoned.
It is so disgusting that sometimes the husband gives justice to his wrongdoings by his religious beliefs. This happens not only to Christians but more on other religions.It is a relief that you touched on this subject as an eye opener for those victims of religious dometic violence.
.-= Arlene@mysobe´s last blog ..Quick Hotels Search: In and around Miami Dade. =-.
Arlene,
You’re right—it happens with other religions, as well. And in some cases with much more justification because some religions do not value women the way Christianity does.
Lillie,
Anyone who feels that Christianity somehow encourages, or excuses domestic violence in any way is obviously reading from a completely different bible from the one from which I am reading.
There is absolutely no passage in the bible whatsoever, including the two passages which you quoted, which in anyway even begins to condone this atrocious and completely unacceptable behavior.
.-= Andrew´s last blog ..Should models be sacked for being ‘too fat’ =-.
You’re right, Andrew. As I said, people hostile to Christianity look for any excuse to bash our faith, and people who abuse look for any excuse for their actions. An excuse doesn’t have to be good for someone to use it. They grasp at straws and use anything, no matter how far-fetched.
Lillie, this is quite common with other religions also. People who are hostile to humanity involve in such unreasonable things. IMHO the question itself should be termed as baseless.
.-= Mack@Las Vegas Real Estate´s last blog ..Commercial Real Estate Bubble =-.
True, Mack. People who hate religion and those who want an excuse for their evil can use any excuse.
I cannot agree more about people who claim to be Christians and give ammunition to people who are anti-Christianity! I guess you have to come to terms with the fact that people will always try to misrepresent Christianity, but hopefully, people who are really interested in knowing God will get past that since it has nothing to do with other people.
C,
I think it was Gandhi that said the only thing that kept him from being a Christian was Christians. We’re all sinners and fall short, but we should strive to live up to our beliefs.
Many try and use religion to hide behind for inexcusable acts. From this example of domestic abuse, to mormons who practice polygamy, to the Islamic terrorists. Of course in each case there are just as many if not more who practice the faith but only love their fellow man.
.-= Tracy@medifast1.com´s last undefined ..If you register your site for free at =-.
Tracy,
You are right. People will use any excuse for their bad behavior, and religion is an easy excuse.
Thank you for pointing out these distinctions, Lillie.
Spousal battery isn’t part of the marriage covenant. Jesus told husbands to love their wives even as He loved the church and gave His life for it. (Ephsesians 5:25). Anything less is plain wrong and sinful.
.-= Matt Keegan´s last blog ..How To Unwind Unfavorable Client Agreements =-.
Matt,
I mentioned Ephesians 5 and had a difficult time which of those passages to quote but thought it would be more than needed to quote both.
This is a very enlightening article and also, I think, a very necessary one. My nother used to tell me that you can prove anything by the Bible if you’re willing to ignore, omit, or extort. God’s word does not, nor did it ever, teach or condone domestic violence.
Billie,
Your mother was a wise woman. People distort the Bible’s teachings all the time, just as they do statistics. Someone who wants an excuse for something can twist just about anything.
“David’s father claimed he had the moral right as the head of the Christian family to discipline his wife and children using violence”. I can’t believe this. Where in the Bible did he read this? He was not a Christian.
.-= dominique audibert´s last blog ..Obtenir les meilleurs taux pour un prêt immobilier =-.
dominique,
I think most abusers who use Christianity as an excuse for domestic violence use the “wife, submit” passages in Colossians and Ephesians. Of course, as I wrote in the post above, that is not at all what the passages mean. However, when someone is looking for an excuse for evil, they will distort anything.
I did not realize that Domestic violence is quite prominent even among Christians. I have a problem with people justifying their behavior.
Eph 5:25, 33 clearly talks about the extent, husband should love his wife. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…..each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself.”
At the same time, I am glad that you brought the idea of authority. It is also often ignored. Hierarchy does not mean superiority.
.-= Chris@Bible Study Topics´s last blog ..Persecuted for Righteousness: Beatitudes Bible Study Series – Part 8 of 8 =-.
Chris,
I don’t know of statistics of domestic violence among Christians, and I doubt it occurs any more frequently than in general population—hopefully less frequently. I do think, however, that it may be less readily identified among Christians.
Ephesians is an important Scripture on the topic. I debated about using it or the passage from Colossians I chose.
There is never any excuse for domestic violence. Husband and wife are joined as one. People cannot abuse a spouse without abusing themselves also. See God in every person, and love God with all your heart!
.-= Geoff@San Diego Homes´s last blog ..La Jolla Real Estate Win-Win =-.
Amen, Geoff.
Sad to hear that a church would do that to her.
Samuel,
Yes, it’s tragic. I think most of the time something like this happens it’s because Christians just can’t believe it’s happening in their church.
Thank you for your comments. I couldn’t agree with you more, and it is so important that people realize that true Christiainty not only does not lead to such violence, but is also the only sure measure to deliver society from such wickedness.
William,
Amen!
I recently wrote on this subject in my blog about Christian living. Ephesians 5 is taken way out of context quite often. Submission is NOT domination. A husband is to SACRIFICIALLY love his wife, giving all of himself for her. When a husband loves like that, then a wife should WILLINGLY submit to his authority over and accountability for the home. She should never be forced or have it demanded of her. If so, the husband isn’t doing his part.
Carl@Christian marriage help recently posted..Are We Throwing Rocks at Jesus
Absolutely, Carl. The husband is to love the wife as Christ loves His Church.
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The Bible teaches a husband to LOVE his wife and his wife to respect her husband. It does not give the husband license to be an abuser. Respect is not gotten from violence or abuse.
don,
You’re right. Unfortunately, people commonly distort what the Bible says–about a lot of things.