Show and Tell Exercises
August 21, 2009 by Lillie
In a recent post, I said writers should both show and tell in fiction.
I gave an example of re-writing narrative summary (telling) into an action scene (showing).
Now, it’s your turn. Select one or more of the narrative summaries below and re-write as an action scene. If you’d like feedback from me (and anyone who’d like to join in), post your scene in a comment.
1. Thelma was very angry. She told John she never wanted to see him again. He had betrayed her once and she wouldn’t give him the chance to hurt her again. She told him to pack his bags and be out of the house before she got home from work.
2. Michael was determined to make the basketball team. He practiced long hours every day, neglecting his homework and ignoring his friends.
3. Melissa was frightened when she heard footsteps behind her. She thought about the article she’d read in the morning paper about a serial rapist who had eluded police for weeks.
4. Sue was an excellent cook and liked to create her own recipes. She decided to come up with something special for her holiday party, and she experimented with a number of ideas before she found the perfect menu.
5. Judy was a compulsive gossip. Whenever she heard anything about any the neighbors, she considered it her duty to tell everyone else in the neighborhood.
Join in by posting your action scene in a comment or giving feedback on scenes others post—or both.
Jeez, but TELLing is so much EASIER!
–Deb´s last blog ..Review: Writer Mama
Deb,
Maybe I should have entered this post in Joanna’s Mission Impossible project. Posting writing exercises and asking for reader response is a first for me—and based on the non-response, it will probably be a last as well.
“I want you out before I get home,” Thelma shouted. For emphasis, she slammed down the phone.
She stared down at the paper in front of her. John should have left by now. Their divorce was final. Why couldn’t he accept that?
Morgan Mandel
http://morganmandel.blogspot.com
Morgan,
Excellent example. I think you can eliminate the words “for emphasis” because the action shows the emphasis.
Thanks for taking part.
“I told you to leave me alone! I am practicing for the basketball team,” screamed Michael as he was shooting the basketball.
Divorce Parenting´s last blog ..Parenting Advice: How you influence your children?
Divorce (if you wrote Your Name @ Divorce Parenting, I could address you as a real person instead of a keyword, and you would still get your keyword link),
Good start. You might want to expand it a little more because your example doesn’t show that he is neglecting his homework. But you’ve certainly shown his passion and that he is not spending time with others.
Thanks for participating!
Let me expand it. lol
“Homework? who cares.” Michael continued to shooting basketball.
Lillie, Your blog is very interesting!
Jesse´s last blog ..We Are What We Make us
Jesse,
That does it. You can also have some action as well as dialogue: throwing his homework papers in the trash or something.
I like this homework! It will give me something to work on, and I appreciate the action tips to make everyday writing even more interesting. As a writer, you definitely need that edge.
C,
Glad you’re going to use the exercises. Feel free to post the results here for feedback.
i loved the peice about michael jordan he has always been my idol and i have tryed to imulate him since the beginging of my highschool life on and off the court.
thank heaps love it
greg @ english saddle´s last blog ..Horse Cutting Saddle
greg,
It’s interesting that you saw the exercise as being about Michael Jordan. I’m not a sports enthusiast so I didn’t even think of that. I was just trying to come up with narrative (telling) that could easily be converted into action (showing).
Something unnerved Melissa as she lay in her bed trying to drift into slumber. The air mass that enveloped her body felt weighty like something hovered.
Eric,
I’m not sure if you’re working with the narrative of Melissa in the post or coming up with something original. The narrative had footsteps behind her, and you have her going to sleep in her bed. But the weighty air mass is an effective description and gives the feeling that something is about to happen.
(telling) into an action scene (showing)…Now, it’s your turn. Select one or more of the narrative summaries below and re-write as an action scene.
I’ll try my best.
Michael was determined to make the basketball team. He practiced long hours every day, neglecting his homework and ignoring his friends.
Driven by his passion to make it into a basketball team, Michael left his homework on his study table and went to a nearby basketball court to practice.
William,
You’ve got a good first attempt here. You could make it more active and more exciting if you showed some more of his emotions. Rather than saying “driven by his passion,” you might describe how that passion made him feel or act.
Finally! He felt alive again after trying to stay awake in class. His eyes were wide open now. The closer he got to the basketball court, the faster he ran. His heart pounded …
Of course, there are a million ways this could be done, and you’re off to a good start. Thanks for participating.
Thelma pauses, takes two steps back, and then marches towards John, ready to pound on him with her two hands. “You promised me you would never betray me again, you lying scum!” she yelled. Still yelling, she soon heads to the closet and begins rummaging through his clothes, throwing clumps of them on the floor. She stops with her face facing the floor, raising her arm while pointing to the door and calmly demands, “Pack your bags and be out of the house before I get home.”
Joanne @ Fleshlight Coupon´s last blog ..Coupon for August 2009
Very well-done, Joanne! I can just see her throwing the clothes on the floor.
If this were a long piece, I wouldn’t recommend writing it in present tense. For this short sample, it works well, but it’s difficult to sustain in a longer story and especially in a novel.
Thanks for taking part.
Not to be too lazy, but is there a site where people regularly work on exercises like this? I desperately need them. Wld like to compare notes on other peoples’ reponses too.
Blake,
You will find a lot of excellent writing sites on my Resources for Writers page. Some of them show writing prompts and some have forums. I suggest you explore some of them to find the ones that meet your needs.
OK, I never do this, so be gentle. It was fun tho.
————–
Thelma felt like she was staring out of a tunnel; everything in her peripheral vision disappeared. She could hear her pulse in her ear. It sounded rubbery, like a soft plastic ball hitting the floor over and over again. It was difficult to wait for John’s inevitable words, tinny and compressed through his cell, which he protected like a nuclear warhead how-to manual. His cell was conspicuously off-limits.
“Honey, I’m sorry, but nothing happened, I swear.” Every ounce of sincerity John could muster was sweeping her way through the lines, hoping to hit the target. Again.
“John.” She said his name almost lovingly, savoring the single syllable. John, an anonymous buyer of women. John, the worst of all English kings.
Who was this cool, self-possessed character? She barely recognized herself. “John, I’m saying this slowly so it will be clear.” She absently wove the phone cord through her bitten fingers, pronouncing the words with excruciating clarity. “It’s over.”
She heard him sputter on the line, but kept going. “I’m off work in three hours. By then, you and yours needs to be out of the house. I’ve already withdrawn everything from joint savings, but once the restraining order goes through I’ll give you half, minus what you spent on motels and booze. You don’t have much time, so get moving.”
Click.
Thelma met her own gaze, dark and shadowy, in the glass-topped desk. Clunk. The dollar-store frame holding their couple shot hit the rim of the trash can. Thelma didn’t smoke, but it was time to cadge a cigarette from one of the marketing kids.
Elin,
Wow! You put a lot of work into this and did a great job. You put in some nice touches, like the cell phone that was always off-limits.
Thanks for participating and congratulations on a job well done.
#4
Sue wiped the last of the crumbs off the kitchen counter. Using a potholder, she removed the muffin tin from the oven, and set it next to the stack of dirty mixing bowls. She pushed aside the empty flour canister, and set out her last clean cooling rack. The others held stacks of burnt muffins from her earlier attempts to create the perfect snack for the office Christmas party.
Sue inhaled the delicious aroma of cinnamon. If the muffins tasted as good as they smelled, she thought, they were sure to be a hit.
Good job, Laura! I smell that cinnamon and want to taste those muffins.
Judy was a compulsive gossip. Whenever she heard anything about any the neighbors, she considered it her duty to tell everyone else in the neighborhood.
she should control herself on this, it is not her duty anyway, she bypass other privacy, she should think first what will happen if she continue doing this.
mark88online´s last blog ..Home
Mark,
Thanks for trying. However, you apparently didn’t understand the purpose of the exercise. You wrote more narrative making a judgement on Judy’s actions. The purpose of the exercise was to turn “telling” into “showing.”
There are many ways this scene could be written, but this is an example of converting “showing” to “telling.”
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Judy flipped through her phone book, trying to decide who to call next. She’d already called the neighbors on both sides of her house and on both sides of the Robinsons’ house. Ah, Mary Lewis. Judy had seen Mary talking to Sue Robinson so the women must have at least a passing acquaintance.
She picked up the phone and dialed. When Mary answered, Judy identified herself and said, “Did you know that the Robinsons have filed bankruptcy? Apparently that new business of his didn’t work out very well.”
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From reading this, we understand Judy thinks she has to spread gossip to everyone, but it’s the context of a story and not narrative.
Hope that makes it clearer.
Thanks for participating!
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