Blogging for a Great Cause: Bloggers Against Abuse
September 27, 2007 by Lillie
Today is Blog Catalog’s Blogging for a Great Cause Challenge: Bloggers Against Abuse.
None of my family or close friends has ever been the victim of spousal or child abuse – at least if anyone close to me has been abused, I haven’t known about it. Yet I am passionate about stopping violence against women and children and will always regret not recognizing probable abuse when I encountered it.
Way back in the late ’60s or early ’70s, I was teaching a third grade Sunday School class. The church we attended was near a military installation, and most of the parishioners were military families.
One Sunday morning, I had a cup of coffee sitting on the table in front of me. A little boy knocked the cup over, and I reached out to catch it. The child recoiled when I reached for the cup. At the time, I thought it was a strange reaction, but I just assumed he was afraid the coffee would spill on him. I didn’t catch the cup in time, and hot coffee spilled on my dress. Fortunately, it didn’t touch me, so the only damage done was a coffee stain. But the child kept apologizing over and over. I tried to reassure him I wasn’t hurt, and I told him I was the one at fault for having a hot cup of coffee on a low table in a room full of children. His insistence on continuing to apologize mystified me.
I don’t know if I’d ever heard of child abuse at the time. If I had, it was some abstract concept that I didn’t relate to real life. I never forgot the little boy’s reaction – the jerk back, the fear in his eyes, and his excessive apologies. Years later, when I learned more about abuse, I realized that he had expected me to hit him. I’ve always regretted that I didn’t recognize his reaction as a sign of abuse – were there more signs I missed?
I’ve tried to be more alert since I’ve learned more about abuse. I’ve never had a similar experience, but if I did, I would recognize the signs and take action. If it happened at church, I would most likely meet with the priest to advise him of what I’d seen so he could provide counseling. If that didn’t achieve results, I would report the situation to the authorities. My sister is a social worker, and she has reported abuse of the elderly several times at nursing homes where she has worked. She jeopardizes her job by doing so because the management of the nursing home usually wants to take care of the problem themselves without getting the authorities involved. But anyone who suspects abuse is both morally and legally obligated to report it.
False reports can be devastating. That I know from family experience. I’ve seen the mother of a handicapped child investigated for child abuse because she insisted on teaching her daughter to be as independent as possible. A neighbor thought it was cruel to make a child in a wheelchair do small household chores and reported that the child was being abused. The investigation exonerated the family, but only after they were observed for some period of time. Even so, I think it is better for an innocent family to be investigated than for suspected abuse to go unreported.
The subject of abuse intrigued me so much I made it an integral part of the plot of my soon-to-be-published novel, Dream or Destiny. In my research, I learned that a high percentage of children who are abused tend to become abusers themselves. The cycle can last for generations. Women who are abused in one relationship often go on to other abusive relationships because they have come to believe they deserve the abuse.
Abuse knows no racial, ethnic, educational, religious, or economic barriers. If I’d even heard of abuse back in that third-grade Sunday School room, I would never have thought that child could be abused. His father was a military officer, and both of his parents were active in the church and were always pleasant in public.
Although far more men abuse women and children, some women do abuse their husbands, and some mothers abuse – even kill – their children.
In Dream or Destiny, the abuse victims finally escape from their abuse and break out of the cycle. I pray that for every victim of domestic violence around the world.
St. Paul says in Ephesians 25, 28-29:
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her….In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church.
And in Colossians 3:21:
Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.
Spouses are to love and care for each other. Parents are to love and nurture their children. Spousal and child abuse can cause serious physical and emotional damages and destroy the bond of love and care that is critical to healthy family life.
[tags]domestic violence, spousal abuse, child abuse, Blog Catalog’s Blogging for a Great Cause, Bloggers Against Abuse[/tags]
Lillie, thank for shining the light on abuse, particularly as it pertains to families.
Although you did not understand what that child was going through at the time, you understand that today and have shared some instructive warning signs with your readers.
Your sister is wise in reporting abuse, even at the risk to her job. It seems some sort of fear always holds people back from doing what they know to be the right thing.
Matt,
It took awhile, but I did learn a valuable lesson from that experience. I often wonder what happened to that little boy, but of course, since they were a military family, they moved away not long after the incident. And he’s an adult now. I just pray that he broke the cycle.
My sister always stands up for her patients and what she believes is right. She’s often at odds with management as a result. The irony is that she never stands up for herself and does her best to avoid any kind of confrontation. But when it comes to her patients or her family, she has no fear.
Hi Lillie, I like your new theme! I was a domestic violence victim, and am very passionate about victims rights. I was actually going to start a blog dedicated to ending domestic violence, but it was too soon for me to do it emotionally. Maybe I could start it, though.
Have you read any blogs that focus on the subject that you recommend? I was hesitant to post stories of abuse because they can be so sad, but maybe that’s what’s needed to get people to wake up and change some laws.
As far as violence against women, the laws are pitiful in most states. Most assault and battery offenses are considered mere misdemeanors, with little to no jail time. It sends a message to offendors that it’s no big deal. And the system makes it difficult to report the crimes safely.
I could write a book about it. Hmmm…maybe I will one day, and you can edit it
Thanks for bringing it up on your blog. Domestic violence is often swept under the rug until the victim is finally killed.
Thanks for reminding me again the power that our words can have to do good in the world. You’re right that we should call into question suspected abuse. And, all kinds of abuse can happen even in families that seem loving and upright. Thanks again for reminding us to be aware and stand up for what is right.
Lillie,
Thank you for the moving post. Abuse, no matter what form it takes is unacceptable and tragic. People think of women who are in that situation, “Why don’t they get out?” It sounds so easy, but it’s really terribly complicated and frightening. And poor children have no means of escaping other than by another caring adult. Thank you for informing people. As Matt said, somebody may learn something from your post and be able to take action.
Lisa
I came from a large family. my father did his share of overkill on correction of the first four children. it got to a point that rather than be knocked around or degraded any longer, I told him that if he ever laid a hand on me again, I’d kill him in his sleep.(he was a very tough man) that is where it all ended. the other 7 kids were not abused in any way. he stopped and thought about his actions. and never corrected the kids, when angry,again. I later found out that his prier actions were from his own upbringing. and he just followed what his father did. This is the cycle of violence that must be broken, to eradicate this problem. It might be helpful (if you ever find yourself angry at your child) to send the child to their room, and take time to cool down before action. never punish a child while angry. that is when abuse occurs. and remember if you teach a child that violence solves a problem. then that will again be thought of by the child, as the solution. right into adulthood! violence, begets violence! Todd
Theda,
I am so glad you got out of your situation! My heart goes out to you for what you endured.
I encourage you to write about it for three reasons: 1) your message will help other women who are experiencing domestic violence, offering them hope that they, too, can get out as well as practical advice from your experience; 2) you will be educating other people and raising the awareness of abuse, which will help bring change; and 3) writing about your experience is great therapy.
I’m certainly not equating domestic violence with a stroke, but I found writing a novel about a woman who had the same experience as I did therapeutic. And when I wrote a nonfiction book about an incident of workplace violence, which I wrote about in a previous post, I discovered that talking about their experience when I interviewed the people involved helped them.
I do not know of any blogs about domestic violence – I did the research for my novel several years ago before the rise of blogs. I did go back and look up current statistics, but I didn’t do any more personal experience reading.
I do think laws and enforcement are getting much better as awareness increases. My husband is a Texas peace officer, and he has to take continuing education courses to maintain his certification. A couple of the required classes are on domestic violence, and I’ve reviewed the courses – he takes the classes online – and I’m pleased with the training the officers receive. I’m sure not every officer puts the training into practice, but the laws and law enforcement officers have certainly improved.
Sharing your experiences can only help make people aware and improve the situation even more.
Angela,
I appreciate your comment. I think people often want to do the right thing, but they find it hard to believe that someone who appears so upstanding could be abusing a spouse or children. The fear they are wrong leads them to hesitate in taking action.
Lisa,
I hope someone does learn something that will lead them to take action. There is much more awareness of abuse today than there was back then, but often people aren’t sure their suspicions are valid and are afraid to make a false accusation.
Headshot,
I’m so glad you stood up to your father and broke the cycle of violence in your family.
Thanks for the good advice to parents to wait to punish a child when they aren’t angry. Punishment should always be to educate and protect the child, never to hurt. Children don’t learn the lesson intended to be taught if all they can see is that the parents are punishing them out of anger.
I think psychologists should take a good look at situations like this and try to figure out how people solve these problems and come out of these situations for the better.
^How’s that for a run-on sentence?
DRM,
You’re right – understanding why some people overcome all obstacles and others bend at the first breeze is important. Search on Google for “personal resilience” and you’ll find much has been learned, but, of course, much remains to be learned.
I do have to make a comment concerning Lillie’s comment to Theda above…specifically, “My husband is a Texas peace officer…” etcetera. I’m proud to say that I do not know of any Law Enforcement Officer in any jurisdiction that condones a man “beating up” on a woman. In my 20+ years as a (Master) Texas Peace Officer, I only encountered one incident of a man beating up on a woman. The short version is, it was about 30 minutes after the curfew time when alcohol was to cease for the night. There were four of us in the parking lot “milling” around seeing to it that the patrons of this establishment were leaving in a “civilized” manner. And all of a sudden a man knocked a woman to the ground with a closed fist. The four of us immediately surrounded this guy…one at each quadrant…with me in front of him as the lead officer. I had my seven C-Cell Maglite in my right hand at my side with the butt end toward the “actor” (police jargon for the bad guy). I asked for his identification…he gave it to me in a civil maner and I passed it to one of my partners to make notes. We kept records of all “contacts.” As I was passing the ID back to the “actor,” he, with a sudden wide sweeping right hand “snatched” the ID from my hand. This sudden threating move on his part translated in my head as an immediate threat. And I instantly came up with the butt end of my seven C-Cell Maglite into the middle of his left rib cage…breaking two ribs. He immediately hit the ground…gasping for breath. We called EMS and while we were waiting, I asked the guy if he’d like to get up and hit the girl again…that is while he was writhing in pain. Maybe that gives you a little “taste” of just how I feel about men hitting women. When I hear from other men, “She hit me first,” I just tell them, “Well, Pancho, you just walk away.”
Mr. Lillie,
I know how you like to tell “war stories” of your law enforcement experiences. Thanks for sharing this one here.
Very interesting post. I can only hope more people will be encouraged to join your advocacy against abuse and violence. Well done and good luck with your work.
Wholesale,
I hope to raise awareness of the abuse and encourage people to take action if they see violence or become a victim.
[...] Bluestocking is an attorney and domestic violence victims’ advocate. She discusses the domestic violence in Dream or Destiny and also gives excellent information on how to recognize abuse and how to treat victims. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and I’m glad to help raise awareness of abuse. [...]
[...] with someone close to me being abused. No, I haven’t. The closest I’ve come is the incident I describe in an earlier blog post. Years ago when I was teaching Sunday School, a little boy in my class knocked over a cup of [...]
Fine. It is indeed always the best solution to report this kind of abuse. And yet I guess it’s mandatory to report in the US. You sister doesn’t have to feel shame. You know we had to face the same issues in the UK when we first started to set up our care homes network. But, thanks to the action of everyone in that case we cleared out switly the situation and now it never happened again.
Your sister did well Lillie!
Thanks, Susan. I’m glad your situation was resolved successfully.